What are things that are absolutely non negotiable to you? Something that will never be bargained with? In other words, what are the things that you can never permit or condone and if someone do those things, the relationship/friendship ends?
For me, deal breakers are initially told beforehand so that there are no misunderstandings or confusion. Also, there is no excuse for the person to make if/when they breach the boundaries we set. Things that we don’t like done or said, should be foretold so people are aware of certain lines that should not be crossed. Since people are aware of the things we do not appreciate or allow, they should steer clear from whatever is it that we told them not to engage in. If there was an issue about certain ground rules that were mentioned, the objection should’ve been brought up right then and there. If no objection is brought up, that means both parties reached a mutual agreement about what is expected from each other and are aware of what the individual will not tolerate in the course of the relationship.
However, if someone willingly engages in something that goes against what was stated and agreed upon, they are automatically out of line. No questions about it. To me, that proves to me that you never respected me or my boundaries to begin with because the specific things that were said and/or done, were done intentionally. It sure as heck wasn’t done by accident – given our prior discussions and us setting ground rules. You don’t accidentally engage in something that you are aware that you shouldn’t be engaging in. That doesn’t make any sense. Therefore, deal breakers are non negotiable. What is done is done and what is said is said. Here are a list of my deal breakers.
Cheating
You guessed it! If you’ve been following my blogs, you already know I strongly dislike cheaters nor do I understand their decision in violating the love they supposedly have for their partners. To me and in my honest opinion, the trust is broken and cannot be repaired back to the way it was prior to the cheating. I don’t know what is so hard about leaving and walking away altogether rather than stepping out of the relationship by having side affairs. This is my #1 deal breaker because I will not tolerate that kind of disrespect – EVER. It is all about Self Respect. If you are unwilling to respect me as a person and as your girlfriend/wife, we do not need to have any further discussions. I do not have time nor will I make time to listen to any manipulating lies about how “nothing happened” or it’ll “never happen again.” It shouldn’t have happened if the respect and love was there because if those two things were, you would be scared to mess up to lose me and the love the person claims to have for me, would make it impossible for them to even think about stepping out of the relationship. I do strongly believe in the saying, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” To the T.
People who have forgiven cheaters, find themselves playing FBI agent to make sure the cheating partner will not engage in such affairs again. That is exhausting to say the least. Once the cheating partner is forgiven, they’ll get comfortable with their ways because they have gotten their baby back. Yes, they’ll behave for a while, to prove that they’ve changed into a better man or woman, but in the end, they’ll step out again because they assume will forgive them again. And in cases, yes, some people do forgive the second time around because love is blind.
When I love, I love hard and to have my love and trust broken by someone I deeply care about, will make me cut them off completely and I will never look back. Yes, Forgiveness and Repentance is necessary to not let the things people do to us weigh heavy on our spirits and/or conscience but that doesn’t mean I will be put in the same predicament that got me hurt in the first place. Time to cool off will be much needed and then if/when the person is remorseful, of course forgiveness will be given.
If someone willingly engages in ill mannered behaviors and think they can simply apologize their way out of it – they’re dead wrong. For me, playing with my heart and emotions are things that I will never allow because my heart is so big and I feel things way too deep. If someone doesn’t appreciate that and they show me that they don’t by what they say and/or do, I will cut them off indefinitely. I don’t have to be treated like that nor will I stand by and have anyone play me. Couldn’t be me!
If I am not fulfilling a certain role in the course of the relationship/friendship, I need to be aware of that so I can implement some changes. Communication is exceptionally important to me and if we’re not interacting openly and honestly with each other, what’s the point of us even being together and/or being acquainted? We must see eye to eye on everything. We must work through whatever issue that is at hand because I really don’t want to go to bed being mad at anyone. That brings me to my next deal breaker.
Poor Communication
I absolutely dread boring/subpar conversations. I’ve always been a good conversationalist because I can go off from the top of the dome and talk about any and everything without breaking a sweat. This, of course, is based on how intellectually stimulating I find the person and/or the conversation. To me, the excuses of not knowing how to have a conversation or being shy are used way too much. It’s a turn off. There’s a certain age where those excuses just don’t fly anymore. Not making an effort to change that tells me that those excuses always work, since they are not trying to improve on their communication skills – or lack thereof.
To me, I believe if you’re 20 and above, you should at least be able to know how to engage in an insightful interaction with another human being. Especially if you find them interesting. There should be some effort there in trying to continue the conversation and/or trying to spice it up with topics that are deep and thought-provoking. I cannot and will not waste my time on someone who speaks in acronyms and/or someone who is constantly asking me “wyd” whenever they run out of things to talk about. There’s MILLIONS of things to discuss but people would much rather ask me what I’m doing every 30 minutes? Deal breaker. That is how I know someone is boring. No substance. No excitement. Just bland and dull.
I need to be stimulated and fed knowledge continuously in order for me to even pay someone any mind. It’s one thing to capture my attention but it’s another to keep it. People want things that come easily. I’m not that easy. I need to know that I can learn from you and that you are intellectually capable of conversing with me about various topics with ease. Call it a Gemini thing but I can’t do the dry conversations anymore. I’m way too old for that. And this is not to say that I am difficult (people will try to make me out as a difficult person because I am specific), this is me being upfront and direct so people are aware that I’m examining their intellect and how they are as a person before I conclude that the person is insightful and/or interesting.
If you’re not a good conversationalist, look up things to ask online – there’s plenty of resources made readily available on the internet. If someone really wants to become better at socializing, they will. Until then, I’ll just say hi from a distance but that is as far as it goes.
Pessimistic
I believe I wrote about this in Pet Peeves but I am not too sure. People who are pessimistic are debbie downers. I cannot deal. Yes, I do know that life is hard and some people have it worse than others. But at the same time, there is always a light at the end of every tunnel. With God, it’s certain, definite and approaching in the upcoming days. We should look for brighter days and not let inconveniences or an unfortunate situation make us bitter and/or keep us in a terrible mood consistently. To me, if the goal was to be in a relationship, my partner has to be optimistic as heck. Because if I am down temporarily, I need them to bolster me up. We can’t both be in our feelings! Also, I tend to be extremely thankful for my Lord and the opportunities He’s blessed me with and I don’t take anything or anyone for granted. Furthermore, when things are not going my way, I always remember that it could be way worse. At least I am still breathing and I have another chance at life to make things right.
Pessimism is a no no. Yes, I get down too but to have it KEEP me down for long periods of time is a no. Being and staying down really messes with my mental and emotional health (as with everybody else) and I hate feeling unworthy because my mind is overthinking about being insufficient or incapable of being happy and/or fulfilled again. Life will pass me by if I choose to wallow in my despair so I try to think about the positive attributes I am blessed with and the blessings that have been bestowed on me.
Critical Hypocrites
I already wrote about this a little bit in Little Kids at Heart but I will try to go into depth. I don’t know if this is a common phrase (I am pretty sure it is not) but this is one of a few deal breakers for me. I cannot stand someone who is critical about what someone is doing (even when they are on the right track) but the person who is doing the criticizing, has never attempted to accomplish anything that compares to what they are criticizing the person of. I don’t know if I am making sense so let me try to rephrase the statement by using an analogy.
Let’s call him Tom. Tom is in school, working towards a degree in Psychology. He wants to be a Psychologist. However, his father is against this decision and criticizes him for taking an “easy route” and not working hard to aim for higher. The dad prefer his son to go for a surgeon because they get paid well. Because Tom refuses to go that route, they have a strained relationship. Tom is annoyed and frustrated with his father because Tom thinks he should be more supportive that he is even continuing his education but the dad would much rather criticize him for selecting a profession that TOM is passionate about.
The dad is a struggling artist (obviously hypothetically speaking).
Two things that annoys me with this scenario. One – the dad is calling Tom lazy for not aiming higher while he himself is a struggling artist (no room to talk – aim higher for yourself). The dad went for what he enjoys doing but does not support what Tom wants to do in the future. Two – the dad is undermining the career as a Psychologist because he doesn’t THINK its a lucrative career. Money isn’t everything. So instead of the dad being proud of his son for going for what he enjoys studying, he talks down on him. The dad did not even set an example for his son, in terms of academically achieving higher for a top profession, but expects the son to shoot for the stars. This is what I cannot stand – when people have the most to say but they are doing the LEAST. They can talk your ears off about what you’re doing wrong but when it comes to them, they do not see anything wrong with what they’re doing. These people have no room to speak UNLESS they also walk in the same shoes of the person they are criticizing. Even then, they should mind their business. Instead of being proud and supportive, certain people like “dad” look for other reasons to be upset. ANNOYING.
Conclusion
You may leave questions, comments and/or suggestions if you so choose.
