We’re all grown little kids at heart – if that makes sense. We like to have fun, be loved on, reminisce about all the fun activities we used to engage in, and we like to be held and cradled as babies. Some of us are still trying to find our place in this hectic world. The world is full of opportunities and our Purpose in Life is still an overwhelming thought because we don’t know if we are destined for a certain career path or not. Even worse, we might miss the signs and commit to something entirely different than from our “destiny.” But most importantly, we’re little kids at heart because some of us did not receive that affectionate and nurturing kind of love that we all yearn for from our parents/legal guardians or from anyone that we considered a mentor. That is proven when we come across people who give that kind of love so genuinely and easily. We don’t know how to act when we are blessed to come across people who show us unconditional love.
We pull away or we are Overthinking and overanalyzing their motives. We don’t know what to expect. We are on defense mode and as a result, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment, just so we won’t be surprised when people don’t meet our expectations. In that way, we will not be taken by surprise because we were already expecting them to fail.
We are walking into unknown territories when we come across people who we are not used to. We don’t know what is to come. Furthermore, some of us were forced to grow up as little kids because our mom and/or dad leaned on us for emotional and mental support – which can be stressful and exhausting for little youngins’.
DISCLAIMER – I am not an expert on this kind of subject matter, I am simply speaking from my thoughts and assessing what I think leads to people being stuck mentally and emotionally at a young age. My interpretations about what COULD lead to us remaining as kids in a certain aspect of our wellbeing may differ from yours. I tend to read a lot and watch insightful videos about broken households and family trauma but I do not consider myself an expert on those matters. And no, I am not speaking from personal experiences, this is simply one of my many interests I’ve come to be attentive about in the last couple years or so.
One main reason being – kids are heavily influenced and can easily by manipulated by parents and/or legal guardians they are supposed to trust. Based on the upbringing and discipline of these “caretakers”, they can either break or make a child. What gets me upset and disheartened about adults breaking a child is mainly because children are so innocent and they don’t deserve to be in a chaotic environment. They absorb any and everything they hear and see. The good, the bad and the ugly but in particular – the ugly. I think it’s imperative for parents to take their roles as providers, protectors AND nurturers seriously. Creating a foundation that is built on trust, accountability, patience and love is extremely important in order to form a stable and sincere bond with children. And to add on further to the protector part, parents should teach their children protective measures about the world they live in today. Parents should safeguard their children from certain people who are bad news and/or teach them warning signs that they should be on alert about when it comes to engaging/interacting with strangers. Even certain family members (you never know). And based on creating that awareness, parents should make it easier for their children to come to them if they are uncomfortable with someone and not make them feel like their concerns are misplaced. Believe your children and put an end to whatever it is that your children is iffy about (not lethally).
Growing up in a tumultuous household can have many negative implications on anyone who is affected by their environment (that goes without saying). I believe people internalize their negative emotions instead of verbally expressing them because they feel like no one cares enough to listen. This starts from when they’re kids. And even if their troubles were heard, they were either told to ignore it or keep it to themselves – which in turn make kids feel like their voices don’t matter. Kids will feel unsafe sharing their feelings. When a child feels like his or her voice does not matter, once they are adults, they will be uncomfortable sharing their feelings with their partners and/or friends because they were taught to shut it or disregard it. Or even yet, they wouldn’t know how to explain how they feel because they’ve been emotionally detached and shut down for so long that they don’t how to regain their sense of voice/identity. It’s very saddening to say the least and a VERY detrimental cycle.
Trauma
I believe and I’m certain that trauma has adverse effects – shutting a child completely down emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, and/or psychologically. Little kids are exceptionally smart and they can pick up on things that we consider them ignorant to. They are aware that some things that are done around them and/or to them are wrong. If all they see is physical abuse and if all they hear are verbal insults in the house, they will likely internalize and mimic all that is seen and witnessed. And once they grow up, there are triggers that will offset them to act the same way they saw their mom or dad act in a given situation. It would almost appear like their words/actions were not thought through because when they are triggered, they automatically and impulsively react. These kids turned adults will act on impulse and lash out in a demeaning way because of what they’ve been taught unintentionally (or it could’ve been intentionally).
Furthermore, if there are cycles of trauma that are left unresolved/unhealed, that will inevitably travel down the family line – reaching the children. Unfortunately, some parents are unaware of how they broke down their children emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and/or psychologically. They have no clue. Why? Well… one reason – children fear their parents (many factors as to why) and do not trust their parents with their feelings so parents are oblivious to the damage they caused and the pain they instilled.
Kids are good at faking as if everything is peaches and cream when in reality, they feel alone and neglected in the world. When asked if they are feeling okay, of course they’ll say yes or give a nod. They know that that is the answer their parents or whoever is asking wants to hear. But before that, they were taught that their voices never mattered because their feelings were not taken seriously enough. That is why some of us deal with our negative thoughts on our own because we never had anyone there for us to begin with. What’s the point? It’s not like anyone is going to care enough to help anyways. Why should I burden others with my issues?
But get this.
When people come to us with their negative feelings and worries, we jump onboard immediately to help them. We put aside our troubles for a later time and tend to their needs because we know what it is like to feel how they do. And we want to show them that they’re not alone because people made us feel that way. But before then, some of us mask around as people who are happy and optimistic all the time. We don’t want people to worry so we force ourselves to smile, even when we are screaming for help inside – but we don’t know how to ask. Again, our voices were cut off indefinitely as little children.
Words, or should I say, Idle Words that are spoken out of anger to purposely hurt the feelings of little children, will always be remembered by them for a long time. Whether it is calling them dumb, ugly, and/or worthless, the effect of those words may lead to feelings of brokenness and shame. Let’s not forget about Insecurities.
As children, I believe we stop developing healthily when any aspect of our well-being is severely affected. The progress is stumped and cut abruptly short when it comes to trauma. Sometimes we are able to heal/recover because we come across people who are able to repair and mend a certain area that was damaged. Sometimes we turn to the good Lord (highly recommended) and He automatically resolves any internal issues that were swept under the rug for a long time.
We are able to heal again because we either found wholesome love and/or forgave ourselves and the people who caused us harm. It can be forgiving our mom or dad for not bringing us up in an affectionate household because they themselves never really understood the concept or they never experienced it from their mom or dad (our grandma or grandpa). Forgiving the fact that no one is perfect and we are a product of our environment. Forgiving the fact that our parents worked with what they had – even if it wasn’t much (more on this in the next header).
To me, when people conclude that a young adult is attention seeking or they act like kids, they very well might be emotionally and/or mentally. They never received attention when they were young and the things they engage in might seem/be questionable on the surface. Immaturity might also have a part to play but they don’t know any better. Emotional absence and mental abuse can leave a child stagnant in the areas important for developmental health. Their relationships and/or friendships could possibly suffer as a result. Without the reassurance of love and affection, the child may start to see herself/himself as the issue.
They don’t know why their parents are not showing them love. They don’t know what they did wrong and they feel bothersome if they try to get any type of affection from their parents. Or worse – they receive “affection” from other people who are mentally depraved and/or morally evil. Children won’t be able to tell the difference because their parents never taught them otherwise. That kind of toxic, disturbing and detestable love is all they know.
Furthermore, as kids internalize these feelings, they are reflected and acted upon as they emerge as young teens/adults. Whether that is being clingy to anyone that showed them any love and/or attention, not being able to fully and appropriately communicate their feelings because their voices were stripped away as little children, not being able to receive and welcome wholesome love because they don’t know what that is, and/or the inability to control their emotions because they resort to acting out impulsively in order to get any attention and/or to get their point across.
(Of course, all of what is written is solely based on MY assessment and nothing more. In other words – I can be wrong about how the psyche works but this is MY brain trying to piece two and two together).
Contradiction at Best
One thing that I find mind boggling and conflicting is the idea that parents want their children to amount to be something spectacular and/or want them to live up to be respectable and pure young boys and girls, without ever teaching them the basics of how to get there. To reiterate – parents wants soooo much from their children but at the same time, these parents are unable to provide the necessities required for them to get there. And in the end, they criticize and degrade their children because they never accomplished the goals and ideas the parents erratically and irrationally envisioned. These goals and/or ideas of what a “model” son or daughter should look like, were never achieved by their parents but these parents EXPECT their children to manage that on their own.
MAKE IT MAKE SENSE.
I don’t know why nor can I understand the mindset of parents who think that it’s a good idea to pressure young kids to be perfect when they themselves are severely lacking in all the areas they THINK their children should level up on. Very contradictory indeed.
Yes, I do understand the concept of parents wanting their children to be better than themselves. However, if parents are unable to provide the quality of life needed for their children to prosper as young adults, they have no room or place to burden them with ideologies of achieving other worldly goals that they themselves could not attain. If parents are not willing or unable to invest in their children’s future or at least bring them up to be noble people, their criticism should hold little to no weight – PERIOD.
But unfortunately, as kids, we care DEEPLY about what our parents think of us and we want to make them proud. We cannot help but to love our parents – even in all of their destructive and hurtful ways. They are the physical reason as to why we’re here in the first place so that respect is inevitably there – even when we think so or not. And here is why I think that.
If our parents were unable to show us affection and loving attention early on, we feel that void. That emptiness. We feel left out and alone. BUT, if the mom or dad is trying to be a part of their child’s life again and express to them that kind of love they were longing for, most of them would get excited and welcome them with open arms.
We all want to have good relationships with our parents. We want our parents to fix in our hearts anything that was broken – even if they weren’t the direct cause of such damage (most cases they are). We want to feel special to and cared for from the very people who brought us into this world. Depending on our childhood, some of us might be reluctant to give our parents another chance. This whole “starting over” seemed way too familiar and we’ve been down that road before and it didn’t work out the first time. Other times, when we see the efforts from our parents of wanting to strengthen their relationship with us, we give in because we too secretly or openly want a stronger relationship with them as well. Am I right or am I right?
We know our parents are only getting older and it’ll be a shame if we block them out of our lives early on but we let them in too late.
Conclusion
All in all, there a lot of factors that comes into play as to why some of us are in a childlike state when it comes to not receiving that parental love from the beginning. We don’t know how to act when people show us love because we automatically think they’re plotting or are trying to play us. Some of us were never taught important values in life and as a result, we don’t know what to expect from ourselves. Trying to contain our anger or objection to something that rubbed us the wrong way seems impossible because we have unresolved feelings that are unhealed. Every negative emotion felt, in time, will come up from underneath the surface and anyone at the end of that wrath will feel the heat full force. That is years of neglecting our emotions and sweeping them under the rug because someone told us to. Years of hurt, pain, betrayal, resentment, and sadness, coming alive all in one take.
That is why it is CRUCIAL to connect with our children the day they are born so we can properly and lovingly bring them up to be strong and warm-hearted individuals. Parents often times think they’ve done the most by bringing a child into the world. They think they’ve done the hardest thing ever attempted by anyone else and as a result, they can say or do whatever they want to their kids because they brought them into this world. On top of that, they think they deserve to be respected as gods and goddesses because they brought a child into a poverty stricken lifestyle. That mentality is unhealthy. Most definitely.
Anyone can make babies. It is not that hard. But let me tell you why it is hard to be a PARENT.
It takes a strong, level headed, patient, affectionate, understanding, and hardworking parent to tend to EVERY need of a child. It takes a strong individual to put their life on hold for however long in order to bring their child up in a safe space that is built on Love, accountability, respect, trust, compassion, and humility. Being a PROVIDER, PROTECTOR AND a NURTURER is a full time job and if some of y’all are unable to fulfill all of those duties, please do not have babies until you are fully ready to dedicate all of your energy to the wellbeing of your children. Their spirit and sanity depends on it. That is all.
To conclude, you may leave questions, comments and/or suggestions if you so choose.
