Do not allow people to make you feel unworthy or inferior because of what you are going through. Do not allow them to belittle you and discourage you from pursuing your dreams. People may envy or be jealous of you because of your strength and resilience and that is why they try everything in their power to dissuade you from your purpose. What you are going through in this point in time is for a reason. Never lose sight of the journey once you’ve reached your end goal. It is imperative to remember what you’ve been through because the process is what made you stronger. Also, never take for granted the blessings that the Lord has given you along the way. It is the little things that keeps us going, even when we feel like giving up. We all have power to achieve and overcome our adversities if we do not allow them to define us. We are bigger than our problems and if we wallow in them long enough, they will overtake us.
Personally, I have been going through a rough patch with my parents lately. It has been hard emotionally, mentally, and maybe even psychologically. Now I do not want to insinuate that they are bad people, we just have different ways of thinking and beliefs that are constantly clashing. I do not know if my readers know what it feels like to deal/live with African parents but if you know a thing or two, you know that it is daily struggle trying to reason with them because they tend to always be rigid and one sided when it comes to discussing certain topics. I do not feel like I can safely and effectively communicate my feelings because it is somehow always twisted into something that I never said or seen as “disrespect.” I feel like I have to walk on egg shells to get my point across and even then, I am already triggered to the point where I shut down and I become pessimistic inside. I do not want to be rude or insult my parents in any way but I am at that point where I am drained and tired of being criticized, judged, controlled, and guilt tripped. I know the Lord wants us to honor and respect our parents and by all means, I would love nothing more but to fulfill such requests. However, it is easier said than done – especially when our parents can be extremely difficult.
Now I am not saying I am a saint or an angel. I know that I am not. However, the Lord knows my heart and I feel deeply about people and things that are dearest to me. I can go from being very raw and honest when it comes to my feelings to being numb and detached. I believe the latter is a defense mechanism because I know if I allow comments that are demoralizing to get to my spirit, I can shut down and feel very low. People close to me always want to paint this picture of me being this “stubborn, disrespectful, ungrateful, know-it-all” but that is not entirely accurate. I can be stubborn and sometimes when I am triggered (which is often when I speak to my parents, my dad especially), I can be disrespectful but I almost always end up regretting what I said. When I am angry, all rationality goes out the window. Maybe it is from built up tension in my body or from hearing comments that gets me irritated beyond what I can handle but I tend to be impulsively angry when my parents make me feel like I am the worst person/daughter ever.
Now I want to reiterate and stress the fact that my parents are not bad people. They come from a different world that I cannot conform/adjust to because I do not necessarily agree with the discipline and upbringing when it comes to raising children. I am “Americanized” so the cultures are exceptionally different. The African culture can be very harsh and I believe the term “tough love” speaks true to this situation. I consider myself an affectionate person who likes to be reassured and congratulated when they’re doing well for themselves but that kind of love is hardly ever freely given. My faults and past mistakes are thrown in my face repeatedly and I don’t know if it is to build me up or toughen me up mentally but in the end, it is very detrimental. The constant bashing can really break people down to their core (thankfully I have not gotten to that point nor do I think I ever will). However, I do know my parents want the best for me and I do commend them for trying to raise my siblings and I up in the best way they know how. I do love them very much but I have to put my feelings and spirit first sometimes. I do not know if I can give them access to my emotions like that because that is not fair to me and my wellbeing. I do not like that “tough love” mentality nor will I bring up my kids in that manner because I know first hand how troubling that is.
I struggle with how I feel or how I am suppose to feel when it comes to my family. I feel misunderstood and the things I like and do are always under constant scrutiny. I do not want to frame this blog as an attack on anyone because that is not my intention. I am just trying to pour out what I have been thinking/feeling lately – actually for a long time. I especially struggle with what I am suppose to feel because I do not want to offend the Lord and I want to uphold His commandment to the best of my abilities. Personally, I do not feel comfortable with talking about how I feel directly to my parents because I know it will be taken out of context or treated as I am being disrespectful. I only ever feel comfortable talking to the Lord Almighty and on my website because I know I do not have to pretend or weed out things to bolster someone up while putting myself down. I can just be real and raw with it.
Furthermore, I feel like my issues with my parents also stems from me wanting to be independent and make my own decisions. I hate being controlled because my voice is not heard and I have to live up to these expectations/standards my parents want me to achieve. It is always what they want me to do and the way they want me to do it. Whenever I feel cornered, I lash out impulsively because I am not a child anymore. I should be able to decide or at least have a say about what to do with my life. My dad is the main one who has an issue with literally everything I do and possibly with my existence (I do not want to get into that for the sake of the length of this post). Long story short, I feel like our strained relationship would be better if we are not around each other at all. Of course, I love him but I can only take so much. I think going off to law school in the next upcoming months is the perfect next step for us as a family and I am ecstatic to see what the Lord has in store for me. Maybe then they can finally have peace and not concern themselves with me as often. Moreover, I am hoping some form of contact is kept but maybe on the minimal side until we are able to communicate safely and openly.
I say all of that just to say that there is power in our struggles. Based on what I’ve been going through and will go through, I think that will prepare me for how to deal with my emotions better when it comes to meeting new people. I am a very friendly and personable person and people are automatically drawn to me because of my nature. I am also extremely goofy and sincere. I would hate it for people to feel like they are failing in any aspect of their wellbeing so I take it upon myself to uplift them because I know what it feels like to feel shi***. I am able to relate to people who feel that way more and vice versa because we’re in a similar boat. But at the same time, I know that what I go through and who I meet along the way is in way an accident. The Lord has predestined my life and already knows what I will go through before I do. The Lord will not give us more than we can handle so I trust Him more than anything/anyone. He has been good to me even when I do not deserve His mercy/grace.
When we are at our lowest points, the Lord will equip us with the power to endure and push forward. Our adversities are only temporary and the pain/heartbreak we feel get better with time. I know there are people that will bless us in ways that makes us immensely grateful but at the same time, my heart will be guarded because I cannot be as trusting and open with my spirit. I do not want to patch up and mend a broken heart after foolishly giving it away so I make sure I genuinely feel secure in someone before I even give them a foothold in my life. People having easy access to my feelings is a thing of the past now. The Lord is who I completely trust and feel safe with 100%. I know with Him by my side, who dare be against me? I win EVERY SINGLE TIME knowing that the Lord has my life in His hands. I may feel defeated and low at times (the Lord knows I had those days) but I must remember who is King. I must remember that I have a purpose that needs to be fulfilled because there is a reason why I am still breathing. There is a reason why the Lord woke me up this morning. Sometimes we feel stagnant in our growth or we feel like there is not much going on in our lives but we have to remember Rome was not built in a day. We have to stay committed and keep the faith in the Most High because He knows when is the right time to bless us abundantly. We may feel like the Lord is far away and He does not hear our prayers, but believe me, with an open heart and mind, the Lord knows what we need even before we ask/think it.
Going back to who I am as a person, I can be impulsive at times. I do struggle with keeping my anger in check because I am often triggered beyond what I can handle. I honestly hate how easy it is for people close to me to get under my skin because they can use that against me whenever it is convenient for them. I try so hard to block out and numb myself from erupting and at times, I am successful. I am silent and I go about my business. Other times, when past mistakes are used to make me feel stupid, I have to fire back and remind whoever is doing that, that they themselves are not perfect and they also have flaws. It irks me when people feel all mighty about who they think they are. They need a reality check from time to time because we are no better than the the less fortunate. We are NOT. No one is better than anyone else, irrespective of our socioeconomic status. We all bleed the same way and we can also lose it all at any given moment. We must remain humble and gracious for what we have and not crap on someone who is still trying to find their way. We all struggle in different ways but we must remember that things do get better.
I praise God for keeping me grounded. I know my heart is in the right place, even with all of my imperfections. For people who make you feel as if you’re the most horrible person in the world, you should consider the possibility of cutting them off. You do not need that kind of negativity in your life, nor do I. Only the Lord can judge me and rightfully so – only He knows my true intentions and personally knows my soul. We think our parents knows us the best but honestly, they probably have a clouded view of who we are. They only want to see the good parts but not the complete picture. They sometimes only love parts of you that benefits them but are unwilling to get to know the real you (these are just general statements). And that is okay. They are only human like the rest of us. No one is perfect. Anyone claiming to be is the ultimate fraud. We like to ignore the negative qualities of a person without asking what made them that way. We don’t take the time to truly understand where a person is coming from because we are not emotionally and mentally capable of handling the reality of their feelings and their experiences. We are unwilling to handle the possible fact that we might be the reason why they are so pessimistic, negative, moody, lonely, impulsive, depressed, and/or suicidal. Because of that, we do selective hearing and only respond to comments that we can fire back on rather than digesting what this person is trying to tell us. But at the same time, we cannot always pass blame on other people. We should be held accountable for what we do as well and for what we allow others to do to us. We can control how we react. Whether that is cutting someone off indefinitely, seeking counseling, engaging in peaceful activities, going to social gatherings, praying to the Lord, watching uplifting videos, etc. Of course, this is easier said than done. We are only human. I, for one, need to work on not responding to anything that can negatively affect me and put me in a bad mood. I want to be at the point where nothing can faze me and I can easily brush off triggering comments/actions. By the grace of God, I will master the art of “stoicism” in the near future.
Sorry for rambling and going off topic. I feel deeply and strongly about people that I love and when that love is not genuinely reciprocated, I get emotional. But I know the Lord has a reason for everything He does and I cannot question Him for who He puts in my life (not that I am ungrateful or anything, I am truly blessed for who He has put in my life). I just wished things were different but hey, it is what it is. All in all, don’t let your problems overshadow your progress in life. Stay committed and focused. Do not allow people to have easy access to you if it’ll hurt you in the end. Pour to the Lord your worries and fears and He will help you find your way. Be kind to people. Pray to the Lord to help you change any characteristics that may hinder your mental, emotional, psychological, financial, environmental, physical and spiritual health.
Thank you for reading. You may leave comments, questions, suggestions if you want to. God bless.
